Not Yet Arrived

Boy it’s been a while since I’ve blogged on here. There’s not really a reason, other than my sister finding the blog, besides laziness. I need to write more.

Last week I was at John Sherril’s Camp 220. I always heard of this camp and how exciting it was but never had been there. I finally had the chance to go as a crew member. All in all, it was a pretty good, tiring week.

The camp was held at Southwestern Assemblies of God Unversity in Waxachie, Texas. So the drive wasn’t too bad at all. At least I didn’t have to drive to Wichita Falls in two weeks. The campus was small, smaller than HBU, with several new buildings. The dorms were pretty nice, nice for college dorms. The cafeteria food was your typical Aramark food, in camp mode - so not too good at all.

Crew was pretty good. It was busy - 1 am bed times (maybe a little earlier) and 7:15 wake ups. My schedule was kind of easy, compared to others. Working the snack wagon was fun. The breeze and the fan made it not that hot. I was thankful that crew wasn’t charged for drinks or snacks. This saved me alot of money. Working the resource table was fun. Got to meet Matt S. and learn what I Am Change is about and that buying a $20 t-shirt can give 20 people clean water for a year. Pretty remarkable if you ask me. The rec field was pretty crazy. Rec Rally was a time to pump them up and stuff. Being on crew kept you on your toes and pretty busy throughout the day.

I got to see and meet new people such as Critter and Parker and Nick (who did late night Whataburger runs for yummy taquitos). I got to see people I hadn’t seen in a while like Traci Samford and Carl Jones. I got to know others better. I got to see John and Kelly in another light other than home group and the occasional worship concert event. I got to room with Parker for a night but my snoring was too much for him so he changed rooms, evidently he hadn’t been getting enough sleep and, although he said I wasn’t too bad, I guess I kept him up. It was good getting to know Taylor and Amy better. I really like those guys and miss them from home group.

The theme of the week was Restoration. About tapping into God’s restoring freedom, that we are already resotred, and there’s a life full of freedom in Christ waiting for us. I thought the theme was really good. Matt did a great job with the messages at night and they were pretty powerful, although I honestly had a hard time staying awake through the end of them all because I was tired. The Bible studies I heard during the day were good too. Being restored is definitely something we as Christ Followers should all tap into.

I definitely didn’t get too emotional at camp during the prayer times. There were a couple times I thought I would. The message was what I needed to hear, but it was hard for me. My life seems like a life of struggles: relational struggles, typical/non-typical male struggles, diabetes, being over weight, bipolar, money, etc… There always seems to be something. It seems as though I can never be free. I can safely say I”ve never experienced 100% of the freedom of Christ that Christ followers are supposed to experience. Around every corner is something new. I don’t know if God has great plans for me in the future or what or if He just loves testing me. Around the corner is something lurking, or though it seems.

John, Matt, the Bible study teachers all talked about having a free life. About God already restoring us and not condemning us. A life of joy and happiness. I think my faith is a little weak because of all the struggles. I want freedom. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy life and be happy and content. But I don’t know how to tap into this restoration that we supposedly already have as Christ followers. It seems too good to be true. It seems impossible with my life. I have no idea of what this would look like. It’s like I just need to pull up my bootstraps and pray and go through life and hope relief comes. This is what I’e always known. I just don’t know how to tap into this restoration/freeing power that we talked about at 220 last week. It’s feels like I’m just meant to not live a free life. Maybe I just need to be hit upside the head.

Share on Facebook

Popularity: 5% [?]

Still no luck with the job. I hate the process and it sucks. Loneliness also sucks.

As if my luck wasn’t bad already, yesterday it got worse. I was trying to plug a HDMI cable in my HDTV and I leaned it over. Leaned it back up and the screen was now cracked. No more HDTV. A new screen or core costs double what the damn TV costs. So it can’t be fixed. I can’t afford a new HDTV. I prayed that it would work. Guess what? As my other prayers lately, nope.

So, next my bedroom ought to catch on fire or my car ought to get stolen.

None of those could happen but I’m on track.

Share on Facebook

Popularity: 6% [?]

Well, last Saturday I walked across the stage.

Mom, Dad, and I got up around 7 to get dressed. We loaded the car and stopped for breakfast before arriving in Huntsville. Technically I was supposed to be there at 9 but we didn’t get there until 9:10 or so. The traffic was already unbelievable.

Dad dropped Mom and I off and we walked to the HKC where Mom helped me get my cap and gown on. I went inside and everyone was in the three gyms lining up, according to college. You could feel the excitement in the air. Everyone was chattering and laughing and excited about walking across the stage. There were professors in there helping students line up and making sure we didn’t leave once we got in there. We checked in and received a card with our name on it. At 9:30, they put us in lines of 20, since there were 20 chairs in a line in the coliseum. Then after a little while, we began the walk across the street to the Coliseum.

It was interesting when we were walking to the Coliseum. People were outside the door with cameras taking pictures. A couple of people were bringing their graduates last minute things. You could also see several last minute people arriving at the coliseum to try and get a seat.

As soon as we got into the Coliseum, a kind of nervousness and excitement hit as soon as I walked in the tunnel of the Coliseum. As soon as the first people started walking in, you could hear friends and family yelling names, airhorns going off, tons of camera flashes flashing, and almost a definite roar. I think Dad yelled my name but I wasn’t for sure. Since we got there late, them and Carter and Tyler had to sit up pretty high. The whole graduation theme song was playing repeatedly as we were coming in.

There was a welcome and message, then the National Anthem sung, and the speaker spoke, then the conference of degrees by college, finally the people getting their degrees. The speaker was pretty good. I like speakers who know what they have to say should be relatively quick and to the point because they are taking account of their audience. Her speech was about life and being happy about what you do. Beyond that I honestly don’t remember much about the speech. I kept looking around seeing if I could find Carter, Tyler, Mom, and Dad. Plus I was honestly trying to pay attention. The speaker finished and the name calling began.

Excitement really started filling the air when diploma tubes were being handed out. At SHSU, we didn’t get our real diplomas at graduation. Because of their poor lack of planning, the administration has us take finals to the day before graduation and so grades aren’t even due in the Registrar’s office until the following Monday. So we get a tube with a president letter and a picture of Austin Hall in it. I was in the College of Humanities and Social Sciences, the second college in that graduation, and towards the end of the alphabet. They called my row and I left my card in the seat next to me and had to hold up the line by asking a girl to get it for me, four or five down the row from me. I go up and wait. They call me name and I walk across the stage, take the tube, shake Dr. Gaertner’s hand, shake some other hands, walk down the ramp, shake more hands, walk to my seat. Now, my hat is on wrong and doesn’t fit well so I’m having to hold it the entire time so it doesn’t fall off. I can’t remember if I see Dad at the end of it or not, after getting my tube. I think I did. So I go back to my seat and wait until the names are finished because there’s no leaving early in our graduation. It’s done, and I got the fake diploma.

All the names are called and we file our row by row. Dad calls me and takes my picture under the tunnel and a couple faculty members I’ve had shake call my name and congratulate me. I climb the stairs and go out and meet the rest of the crew outside. We take some pictures in the grass and get ready to leave. I ride back to the house with Carter and Tyler. I’m graduated.

We get back to the house and I give Carter and Tyler a tour. I didn’t get out of the robe for a while. Dang the robe was hot! But it was comfortable and I guess I didn’t want to lose the moment. We had a graduation party for me at the house and planned for like 30 people to come. Mom and Dad did good. They had barbecued smoked brisket, potato salad, tons of pinto beans, bread, and a big cake. Out of politeness, mom put no gift on the invitations. I was kind of peeved. I could have gotten some gifts and people had the choice, they shouldn’t have felt obligated to give or not to give. Scott came by a little later. A few people showed up including the neighbors (some) and a couple friends I hadn’t seen in a while. I was glad Carter and Tyler were there and then it was good to see Ty and Jeremy.

But honestly, I was disappointed with the party. Only 11 people came, less than half of what we sent out invitations for. People on Facebook that said they were coming didn’t come. We had tons of food left over. Feeling pretty low anyway, not having many people come made me feel a little worse. I don’t know if it was a bad weekend or what.

So, it’s been a week since graduation. I’ve been asked if I feel any different. I don’t think it’s hit me 100% yet. I went to Fort Worth for a job interview Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday and Wednesday we moved me out of the apartment. Someone the apartment found took over the lease and wanted the apartment that weekend and so we wouldn’t have to pay June and July rent (lease was technically up July 31), and they waved the $350 fee if we could be out by Thursday. Thursday I just kind of collapsed and did a little job looking. Went to College Station Wed. or Thurs. This past weekend was Memorial Day weekend and so most of it was spent with family.

I know I’ve been more lonely. I don’t have hardly any friends or anyone to hang out with at my parents’ house or with Crossroads. Dealing with depression and stuff is a little harder here because I have less to do, less people to encourage me, more of a reason to lay in bed and not want to face life that day. So this crap distracts me from a lot of stuff and interferes with life. I know it interferes with trying to find a job because I think I’ll never find one and not worthy of anything but a bullet in the head.

I’ve also been still struggling at whether or not to move to Fort Worth or stay at home. Both of advantages and disadvantages. I still have a couple months, until the first of August, to decide. But it’s like God isn’t doing anything. I’ve been praying and asking, Mom has been praying and asking, I know a couple others who say they’re praying for me. I’ve even asked God to affirm through others maybe in spiritual authority and older what I should do. It’s like God is ignoring me. Sure, I don’t spend as much time with God as I should but I try. Same thing with this stupid job search. God knows I need a job but yet He isn’t taking any of these apps I’ve filled out or interviews I ‘ve been on and turning them into any fruit. So I don’t know what the deal is here.

So like I said earlier, I guess the reality of graduation hasn’t hit me yet.

Share on Facebook

Popularity: unranked [?]

So I was counting on graduating Cum Laude. This is an honor of graduating with a 3.5 or higher cumulative GPA. Mine is a 3.56 right now.

I looked in the PDF copy of the graduation program the registrar e-mailed all the graduating seniors and to my amazement there was no distinction by name. So I quickly pulled my cell phone out and called the registrar’s office.

They said the transfer and the SHSU GPA’s have to be 3.5 or higher. Even though my SHSU GPA is 3.56, my HBU transfer GPA was 3.5. Damn HBU GPA!!

I was really counting on this graduating honor. It really shows I actually accomplished something. But now I don’t get it. It’s just an average graduation.

So what else?! No graduating with honors. Can’t decide on what to do with my life. Can’t decide what to do about moving to Fort Worth or staying at home. No job and all potential opportunities are falling through one by one.

When it rains, it pours and floods!

Share on Facebook

Popularity: 10% [?]

This week is the week of finals and Saturday is graduation. I should be happy, but stressed. Sure, part of me is kind of scared as hell. But honestly, I’m dealing with depression right now. I’ve been doing good with not having depression or certain thoughts, but lately they’ve been coming.

I honestly feel as though the world would be a better place if I just crawled under a rock and died. Disappeared. It’s just how I feel right now.

Honestly, I feel like a total failure right now. I feel like I’ll never amount to anything and that nothing is really going for me. Let me just say I’m not trying to get attention by saying this. This is just what’s in my head and what I’m getting out. So why do I feel this way?

It took 9 years to graduate.

I still don’t know what I want to do.

One of my dreams is to work at Starbucks and I have a degree.

You’re supposed to have a job after graduation, lined up, and I have no idea where I’m going to work. You’re also supposed to work full-time and I’m only working part-time because of seminary.

I don’t have any career goals because I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what my calling is other than maybe media.

I don’t feel ready for the real world. Other than feeling called to seminary, I look for grad school to delay 100% of the real world because I am fearful and feel immature.

I’m considering whether or not living at home is right for me right now instead of moving a little farther away to Fort Worth.

I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have I probably cling too tight to because I don’t want to lose them. I feel that depression and stuff has caused me to miss out on making connections with people and my own introvertedness.

I don’t know how much of this is true. How much of this is BS from Satan. How much of this is my own damn fault and stuff I missed out on and am going to have to live with.

All of this with finals, trying to finish strong for the semester, worrying about whether or not to move to Fort Worth or not, having to find a job, etc…; is just so overwhelming. Sometimes I just can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I just think I’m going to fail at everything and end up in a homeless shelter or something one day.

Forgive the doom and gloom coming from my head. It’s been a while since one of these has come. But these thoughts are real.

Share on Facebook

Popularity: 10% [?]

When I think about my experience at Sam Houston State, for some reason I don’t think it was as memory-filled as HBU. Granted there were some great memories.

I first lived in Bearkat Village. It was alright but I was glad to get out of there. I don’t remember the first roommate but Brady was alright. I wonder what he was up to. I remember he liked his alcohol. I hope he’s still in school and doing well. Then I lived in UPA. That was alright, a little better than Bearkat Village. I lived with Ryan Jasper and Rick Olvera. Josh Jarvis was our unofficial roommate. The roommates were awesome. I don’t think we challenged each other as much as I would have liked. It certainly wasn’t as clean as what I wanted. Those are great guys though. Ryan’s cooking is dynamite. I might get to spend more time with him if I go up to Southwestern’s main campus in Fort Worth. Then it was the Arbors. Josh Louie and Jason and Les were roommates. That certainly wasn’t the cleanest. The guys were good. I had to live at home because of a broke foot so I missed out on part of the fun there. I didn’t get to cook alot but the time was okay there. I spent the last two years at Brook Place. Adam was a great roommate. I wish he would have stayed. Carlo I don’t know at all, currently there. Eric is good. I wish we would have hit it off better but for some reason we didn’t connect as well. Charles/Chris was fun. I still don’t know why he moved out. Jason was cool too. I hope his dad is alright. I wonder if he’s still at Kroger’s.

Football games were fun. Tailgates were cool to go to and get free food. I got so many free cups and pens from tailgates it’s not even funny. I liked dressing in orange. That one year I won “the best seat in the house” and got to sit in one of the field boxes and got to go on the field at half-time with mom and a couple friends was cool. I love college football. Games were always fun. Mom and dad coming made them special. Baseball games were fun too, but just didn’t have the same atmosphere. I still think they should have ATM’s in the stadium because having cash for everything is annoying. Seeing the Bearkat band was always the best parts of the game. That marching band part of me still burns within and I love it. I miss marching band and wish I would have stayed in it. But I guess there are things in life we wish we would have done differently.

I was involved with the Baptist Student Ministry some while here. Jeff Kennon, the first director was awesome. He was the gentle giant. He and I met quite a bit and went through “Grasping God’s Word”. He taught me to always spend time with God, even when you don’t feel like it. Journeys with Ice cream were fun. I didn’t go to as many Journeys as I probably should have. There were times we caught movies, went and ate, or did stuff afterwards. My parents came up and did burgers before one Journey. That was pretty cool.

Being in Caleb’s small group was fun. I miss Caleb Prince. Ramen in a coffee pot. Only he would think of something like that. Man, that guy was serious about the Word. I remember he helped me with my foot when I broke it at Enchanted Rock. He slept in the back of the truck with me. What a guy! He didn’t believe in TV and only watched certain movies. We always chased rabbit trails in his small group. I also never had S.O.S. (”Poop” on Shingles) before until I met with him - biscuits and gravy with other stuff. Caleb was also ready to talk theology any time and ready to talk about life and problems at the top of a hat. He wasn’t the neatest guy, but you lost that when you were talking to him and just doing life with him. He also wasn’t into video games and just recently got Facebook. So if you spent time with him, you did stuff that mattered and didn’t waste time.

Being in Tim’s small group rocked as well. I love Tim. Tim is a just an awesome guy and a big, cuddly bear. He’s a good teacher. We definitely got off on our talks in his small group. Tim’s cooking is superb. He ought to be a chef. Tim was another who didn’t waste time with TV, video games, computer, or anything like that. You did life with him. He was also ready to talk life and problems with you - always over coffee and maybe anime. Tim loved his anime. Tim let me be small group leader apprentice for a little while. I was dealing with depression at the time and so I don’t think I was able to do as good of job as I could of. But Tim taught me probably more than he thinks he did. He and I went through some of the similar struggles that not many people go through. I’ll definitely remember Tim forever.

When Jeff left, my involvement with the BSM kind of did too. It probably shouldn’t have, but it did. Chris Stanley came in as the new director. He is a cool cat and I’ve talked to him a few times. I guess my rationale was since I’m graduating and won’t be here, I might as well not get too involved, but I was wrong. I still go to lunch and I’ve been to a couple of Journeys but I don’t hang out there as much I as I should. I’ve never really connected with anyone at the BSM. I connected with Brock and Ben and a couple people. I connected with a couple of BYX guys when we still had BYX. I met my Big, Phillip Smith, there, but no one else really. I guess that’s my bad or whatever. I don’t know exactly why that happened. I wish I could roll back time some. I’m happy for the few relationships I did form, though.

I went to Chi Alpha some. Honestly, I like the music better at Chi Alpha than at the BSM but the messages were good at both places. The Whataburger runs after Chi Alpha were good. Going to Sam’s place afterwards was fun. I remember first meeting in the First Assemblies of God Church and then the Chi Alpha house. Chi Alpha just has a totally different dynamic than the BSM that you can’t really compare the two.

Sam’s small group was awesome. I won’t forget Sam. I met grant there. Grant is awesome. Grant and Chelsea are now married and live in Fort Worth. Grant is definitely one person I connected with here at SHSU. I loved going over to their house. It was a nice house. His fire place thingy on the back porch was nice and him playing the guitar. Grant and I have the relatively same tastes in music. Grant also liked to cook to save money, and I liked that. I liked his turkey chili. Sam is awesome too. He’s a man of God and the nicest guy you’ll meet. He loves coffee more than Tim and I didn’t think that was possible. Sam’s helped me with so many things. He’s been so patient with me in so many problems. Grant too. I can’t say enough about Sam. He definitely knows what worship is and how to seek God. Danny, who I’ve gotten to know this semester; Lawrence, Dryden, Jason Smith, Eli Stewart are all cool guys and have all special memories. Sam’s old house that they actually fixed. I still can’t believe they did that and didn’t condemn it.

Here’s some Mass Communication profs I had. Mr. Blackman probably taught me the most about journalism. I really liked him. I hope he stays here a while. He was tough but fair. Dr. Fullerton taught alot of information but was totally boring. Mrs. Ziegler was pretty good. I liked her, although I’ve heard several say they don’t like her. I can’t believe she has taught this long. My first RTV prof was Porsche. He was okay, but it was his last semester so he was pretty carefree. I didn’t learn as much as I probably should have from him, especially for intro classes. I always wanted a chance to take a class from Dr. Tony DeMars. Everyone said to stay away from him because he was so hard, but I wanted to learn. But I missed out on him before he left. Mr. Strait is probably my favorite. He doesn’t care if he pisses people off as long as you learn. I hope to keep in touch. Dr. White’s law class was good. I wish I could have had him for more than one class. Dr. Bridges was really hard for Research Communication Methods. I’m glad I only had her for one class.

As far as business classes, Dr. Zelbst this semester was good. I can’t imagine having both sons in Iraq. She was pretty easy but good. She helped you if you needed it. Lilly was great too. She expected you to take you part of learning, but she was there. Her open-book tests were hard, you actually had to know the stuff, not just rely on the book. Dr. Cooper’s Intro to Management class was good. She was a young but good teacher. Dr. Berg’s stat class was hard but good. I really learned lots. He was a funny guy. Dr. Musem’s stat 2 class was good. She was young but good too. She was kind of cute. Dr.Knickerbocker is awesome. She’s funny. I wish I could have gotten her for more than that one MIS class.

Dr. Doug Gerling was probably the best Spanish teacher I have had. He made Spanish seem easy. He expected you to learn, but provided the opportunity. He was in tune with what worked. I definitely wish I could have taken more of his classes. He’s a funny guy and looks just like Seinfeld’s Kramer. Ray Renteria was also a good Spanish prof. I took two of his classes. He was pretty hard but fair and good. I don’t know what it is, but sometimes I learn better with male professors. I don’t know if this is exaggerated or true. Let’s not forget Dr. Caroline Crimm in history. She’s the best history prof I’ve ever had. As a freshman, I’d be intimidated, but she tried to get you read for school. Her humor and wit were amazing, and knowledge too.

Share on Facebook

Popularity: 11% [?]

So as I get finish school and graduation approaches, memories begin to flood me. I figure I might to like a blog series on my college experience.

The first one is my experience at HBU or Houston Baptist University. It’s going to be hard to write about four years but I’ll try to give a snapshot.

There were some great memories at HBU. I went there in the fall of 1999, right after high school. Fish Camp was pretty cool and the beanies we had to wear. Mike Bubeck, Jared V., and Will Hobbs were in my group. We got to know each other pretty well and hung out some throughout our time there at HBU.

My first roommate in the dorm was Chip Gillespie. We grew up together and so we definitely knew each other. It was fun. He and those Ramen Noodle dishes drove me nuts though but I loved him. Lol! He saved me from probably my most embarrassing moment one morning: not wearing any shorts but only boxers to class. But Chip wisened up and moved to the Husky Village apartments. Shawn Landers was a good roommate too, later on. So was Brian Price. But I loved having a private room. That was the best.

Saleim in the dorm. Not alot of guys liked him. He was an alright guy. I loved the tea over at his place. His wife is real sweet and pretty cool. They are both men and women of God. Saleim and I tried to workout together until that fateful day I stepped in the hole and messed my ankle up. Kudos for trying though I guess.

The small size of the campus was good in that there were a couple of good spots for late night walks to be by yourself. The gazebo in the quad area was a good place during the day with the fountain. But at night, the friendship bridge that connected the campus to the retirement home was a great thinking spot. I like to go there by myself and sit sometimes. Sometimes just walk the campus too.

Spiritual conversations and conversations to see how one was doing ran rampant at HBU. Chad Fogle would ask me how I was doing and we would talk about struggles. Guys discussing and debating theology in the dorm lobby instead of watching TV. Bibles everywhere during breakfast at the Baugh Center. Dorm small group on Tuesday nights held by Saleim.

I remember the late night trips to Whataburger and Wal-Mart. APiK guys would get hungry and we’d go get breakfast taquitos at like 11:30 at night. We’d go to Wal-Mart and play Whiffleball and just have fun until they called for security scans in the aisles we were on.

Speaking of food, the Baugh Center. I remember we’d always due Baugh like Bah or Barf. In reality, the food was good compared to most colleges. Like compared to Aramark at SHSU, the food was great. But, it was still not the best. It seemed only special occasions saw the best food. Breakfast was usually the best meal. Like most cafeterias, repeat foods usually got the best of us. But we lived, sometimes too much.

This is a big group but I’m going to lump the professors into one. Dr. Capes in Christianity was always challenging. He wasn’t easy but I liked his classes. I was glad to hear he serves as an elder for Ecclesia. Dr. Lumpkin died of throat cancer, but he was my all time favorite. You could say he was one of my heroes. He’s what a pastor should be like. I learned more from his classes than anything else. He never got comfortable in Christianity. Clay and Mr. Porter in the TV production classes were awesome and weren’t your normal professors. I definitely learned from them. David House was APiK but also a counselor that really helped my first year I was struggling. He was a no-nonsense guy. Great guy. John Boggs from the SERVE program was awesome. He was pretty cool and I got some pretty good wisdom from him. Nancy and Dr. Kramlich in piano pushed me and really taught me and helped me get better. I wished I would have stayed at it. Alice in journalism wasn’t really liked but she taught well and was hard. My first C came from her. Dr. Pyle in Calculus was the typical math professor. He explained things pretty well. Alexis Knapp and Melissa Wiseman were great business profs. I got to know them more when I worked with them when in the College of Business. They were both great. Dr. Lynn Gillette. He’s the 2nd best professor I’ve ever had but probably the hardest. He’s by the far the most intense man I’ve ever met. It’s a shame the HBU administration made him resign but I guess crap happens. I hope he’s succeeding wherever he is now. I know I’m missing other great profs but this is a good list. Rob Matchett wasn’t a prob but the chaplain, and Collette Cross of Student Ministries, were both awesome people too.

So I saved the best group of memories for the last. Alpha Pi Kappa fraternity. Just the name would be enough. But I can’t leave it at that. I joined pretty much my first quarter there, with Chip and a couple suite mates. It was the best thing that happened to me there and I still have lasting memories there. Dirty’s Restaurant parties. Third coast volleyball parties. Taco Cabana entertainment dinners. Scary but formal pref dinners. Active dinners. Louis Booth. Dave “Swole” Sartain. Saturday night barbecues - Mmm mm good. Late night activities. Paddles and paddling. Board room meetings. Me holding the scout sign up one meeting for some lapse of memory. Scavenger hunts. Whataburger applications. Car washes. Guys being there for each and demonstrating real brotherhood. Michael Rowell, Craig Davis, Billy Thomas, JD Humber and Mable Bob, Josh Vaughan, Chip Gillespie, Bobby Delgado for a brief time, Kyle Nix and the Adelphos Spirit.

Share on Facebook

Popularity: 10% [?]

Lately I’ve been asking myself why I’m always so unsure of myself and why I have a hard time making decisions on so many levels.

It seems I’m so indecisive and have a hard time making decisions.

I have a hard time finding a Bible and Bible version I want to stick with.

I’m always looking for a new haircut.

I get tired of the same pen and want new pens to write with. Always want new school supplies. Can never stick with the same backpack.

I can never NEVER pick a restaurant when I go out to eat with people. I always change my mind or can never make my mind up.

Let’s go deeper, to the meat of what I’m trying to say. Some people know what college they want to go to. I started out at HBU but wanted to go somewhere else and settled on SHSU as default, but was unsure of myself the whole way.

Related to college is a major. Most people know exactly what they want to do when they get into school. It took me 4 years to decide on a major. FOUR YEARS!! When people graduate, they know what they want to do. I still don’t know. Some days I don’t have a clue.

What does all this say about me? That I suck as a person? That I’m not going to succeed in the real world that’s coming soon? Part of me thinks so but maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe I don’t have enough, or strong enough, faith in God to provide for me and guide me. It just seems like I blow in the wind sometimes too much. I just don’t see too many people that are like me and not sure what they want out of life. I wonder sometimes.

Share on Facebook

Popularity: 10% [?]

Graduation is in just over 3 weeks. It’s a great time. I finally get my diploma I’ve worked 8 years for.

But lately I haven’t been able to enjoy the excitement that I should be enjoying at the thought of graduation. I’ve been overwhelmed with emotion - good and bad.

Part of me, most of me, is so scared right now. I even get to tears sometimes. I’m scared of failing at life. I’m scared of finding a job. I’m scared of going to a new city for seminary and living/working. Part of me seems paralyzed with fear even though I’m trying to lean on God right now.

I’m scared at losing relationships. Even though I know they’re not going anywhere, for some weird reason I’m scared of losing my parents. I’m scared of losing friendships with people like Carter, Tyler, Wilson, Andrew, Josh, and all Villagio/BYX guys plus the SHSU friendships I’ve made. I’m scared I’ll be alone and not have anyone.

I’ve always said I want to get out of the Houston/Conroe/Huntsville bubble. But right now, it looks so good to stay in it. Going to a different city freaks me out. Sure, it’s only a couple more hours up the road, but it seems like an eternity.

For the longest time I’ve thought and could tell you for sure seminary is where God wants me. I think the majority of me still thinks that. However, I think I’m beginning to question it. I think it’s more out of fear than anything else but not 100% sure.

I’ve been so overwhelmed with things I have to do. I have everything for seminary in and just have to wait for their decision of acceptance or not. I’ve set up a job profile on monster.com, careerbuilder.com, youthspecialties.com (ministry), usajobs.com (gov. jobs), and one or two companies. I don’t know what else to do. I need to mail apps and resumes to Starbucks in Fort Worth and I guess College Station and around Conroe/The Woodlands just in case Ft. Worth doesn’t happen. I’m telling God I’m doing my part and asking what else to do. I want to proactively wait for Him to do His part.

As one can imagine, even with bipolar meds, I’m a mixed bag of emotions right now.

Share on Facebook

Popularity: 10% [?]

Part I

I debated whether or not using ass in the title of the blog.  Some might think it’s too strong a word.  But in this instance, as you’ll see in a few moments, I don’t think it is.

I’ve been apathetic.  A BYX brother and I were talking Monday night and we’ve both fallen prey to apathy.  I’ve been apathetic in reading the word.  Been apatheitc in graduation stuff, diabetes, losing weight, cleaning, school, and just about everything.  I could say it’s because I’m a senior.  Or, I’ve been buys (not 100% lie or truth).  The roommates haven’t cooperated.  Classes getting in the way.  Just like sin, there’s 1000 excuses.

But guess what?  It’s too the point where I’m tired.  I’m tired of being buried in stuff.  There’s so much stuff to do.  As we were talking, it’s easy to say we need to get up and do stuff but it’s hard to put actions with words and thoughts.  I’ve done enough talking.  Now it’s time to walk that talk (maybe lose some weight in the process, lol).

But I’m in the overwhelmed phase.  There’s so many things I need to change I don’t know where to start.  I don’t know where to start on the job stuff now that I got my resume fixed.  I don’t know where to start reading the Bible.  I picked a book, tried it by itself but not enough, tried a commentary with it but too much, now trying with built-in commentary notes in the Bible.  I had been out of reading the Bible from November to about a couple weeks ago.  Where do I start fixing all my flaws?  See the problem!?  I’m ready to lose the apathy and become unlazy but so overwhelmed I don’t know where to begin.

I don’t know if I’m the only one to ever be here.  I feel like it but something in my gut tells me I’m not.

Part II

So I was watching American Idol tonight and God broke me.  Yes, you heard that right!  GOd was breaking me while watching American Idol.  Tonight’s episode ws Idol Giving Back where children in Africa with AIDS and other unfortunate people were spotlighted.  The object of the show was to raise money.

My life is too good and too safe.

I have more than enough but I want more.  I’m fat and people go hungry at night.  I have a bookcase full of books but many children can’t read.  I’m pretty healthy but kids are dying of AIDS and unhealthy water.  I have to decide among various food for dinner while people go hungry for days.  But I want more.  Sometimes I get mad if I don’t get my way,

What’s wrong with me?!  Am I missing the point of life?!

I want and NEED to do something.  I don’t know if it’s going to Africa.  I don’t know if it’s selling all I have and living with much, MUCH less.  I don’t know if it’s going somewhere in the country and serving.  I don’t know if it’s doing something involving media and one of these facets of ministry.  I don’t know if it’s praying.  But I feel I got to do something.

I’m too comfortable and getting fatter spiritually than I am physically, if that’s possible.  This is what God was trying to break me over I think.

But I’m just overwhelmed and have no idea where to go, what to do, what it’s going to look like, what the next step is, etc…

I guess it’s dependence on God I need to focus on.

Share on Facebook

Popularity: 11% [?]