Someone Worth Dying For

This blog isn’t part of the 30-day blogging challenge

I was listening to XM Radio the other day and heard this song by Mikeschair, “Someone Worth Dying For”.  A great, powerful song.  If not in the numbing state I’m in emotionally, I probably would have had to pull over b/c of tears.

Here is the link for the song in You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSoAkJXjxiU

Here are the lyrics

You might be the wife, waiting up at night
You might be the man, struggling to provide
Feeling like it’s hopeless
Maybe you’re the son who chose a broken road
Maybe you’re the girl thinking you’ll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

Am I more than flesh and bone? Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I’m not just some wandering soul
That you don’t see and you don’t know
And I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

I know you’ve heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you’re the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep asking, oh what everybody’s asking

Am I more than flesh and bone? Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I’m not just some wandering soul
That you don’t see and you don’t know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for
You’re worth it, you can’t earn it
Yeah the cross has proven that you’re sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

And you are more than flesh and bone,
Can’t you see you’re something beautiful
Yes you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you’re not just some wandering soul
That can’t be seen and can’t be known
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you are
Someone worth dying for, oho
You’re someone worth dying for, oho
You’re someone worth dying for.

I’m still learning my identity in Christ.  I haven’t got His love, His community, His freedom figured out yet.  With all my struggles and problems of life; I do feel like Salvation won’t cover everything.  I’m just beginning to learn that you don’t have to do any cleaning up before coming to Him.  His “Done” has overpowered my “Do”.

It’s hard to see that I’m worth dying for sometimes.

I just don’t know what else to write.  It’s a great song.  My problem is trying to internalize truthful things.

 

Music Getting Me Through Life

Thirty-Day Challenge

Day 13: A Band or Song that has Gotten You Through Difficult Days

This is a blogging challenge I got from a friend.  Every day for 30 days is a pre-determined topic.  Some are negative.  Some are positive.  All are introspective.

I love music.  Music is powerful – it can bring you closer to God, it can screw your mind up, it can make you said, it can relieve stress, and other powerful traits.

I can’t just say 1 band or song because different bands are used for different purposes.

Coal Chamber, Zao, Slip Knot, Any Screamo – I like hard music.  Sometimes harder than others.  Punk seems to be my fav but metal is good too.  But there’s a category of hard metal called screamo.  The music itself is pumping, hard, loud, etc.   It’s drum heavy.  One can barely make out the lyrics because the vocalist screams the lyrics – usually in an angry voice like he’s pissed off at the world.  Whenever I’m angry, upset, stressed, ready to kill people, just agitated; this music saves me.  I don’t tell people when I’m angry.  I don’t let my irritability, anger, rage show and I think I’m pretty good at it.  For better or for worse.  But this music is cathartic to me.  (It can also put me to sleep if I can’t sleep and I listen to it.)  I picture me as the vocalist on stage screaming it and as the drummer beating the drum instruments as hard as possible.  Sometimes I’ve been known, only by me, to shake my fists or some physical action to accompany the music.  But if I close my eyes and sit back and listen to it, soon I’ll be as calm as can be.  My counselor recommended a group called Scars of Eden.  Their lyrics glorify God. He said even though we say we can’t understand the lyrics, they affect us in our sub-conscious.  I’ve yet to try them.

Good Charlotte’s “Hold On” – If one ever struggles with suicidal thoughts; whether intense or just casual, this song is a must to keep on an iPod or CD or something.  The music video is awesome too.  This song lets one know that there’s hope.  That the current situation will change.  That things get better.  That ever7hody has times like this.  One of the band members either had a friend or family member commit suicide and or struggled with depression himself.  I forget.  But in the heat of the moment, this song is a must.  It gets you back in reality and less focused on entertaining these kinds of thoughts.  Like I said, the video is a must as well.  Their music is great.  I forget the names, but a couple songs are helpful as well.

Three Day’s Grace “Never Too Late” – A song similar to “Hold On”.  Life sucks sometimes but it gets better and you can get new starts throughout life.

Three Day’s Grace “Pain” – This song helps get me through depression and helps me see that it is better to feel some kind of pain – physical, mental, emotional – than feel nothing.  Sometimes I go numb and have no emotion.  This song reminds me that it’s okay to feel pain and as long as you’re feeling pain you’re moving in the right direction.  Make sense?  Not feeling anything usually means you’re slipping deeper and deeper into depression.Also, depression meds can cause numbness.  and so this song is a reminder, an encourager, etc.

I feel I should chase a rabbit trail here.  This is one of my major pet peeves.  Christ-followers and the religious have a nasty habit of labeling music as Christian or secular.  What is secular anyway?  (one of those questions not meant to be answered – forgive me English buffs).  First of all, music itself is neither.  It can’t be either.  Lyrics are what people should be talking about.  Christian or secular is the wrong question.  The right question is whether it glorifies God or not.  Does this move me closer to God or farther away?  Artists who are not believers are capable of writing music that glorifies God and can help a person out.  Like the song I described above, “Hold On”, is an example.  I kinda doubt those guys in Good Charlotte are believers.  But this song is meant to help people.  It’s meant to encourage them.  To prevent people from taking their lives by telling them things will get better.  Now better is a relative point.  But you get what I’m trying to say.  Dave Matthews is another example, for the most part, of maybe not a believer but his music being a kind of change agent.  Then there’s music like Gasnsta Rap, some country songs, the song “Crazy B**&$%” by Buck Cherry, and others that purely don’t glorify God.  If you just go by Christian and secular categorizations of music, I feel you miss out on music by non-believers that can encourage you, help you, and be glorifying to God.  Nuff said!

Now for the wrong end of this concept, comes the depressing music.  When I’m stuck in depression, sometimes (okay many times) I don’t want to get out.  Long-term yes.  But sometime in the short-term it’s easy to wallow in it and not want to get out.  Blaine Larson’s “How Do You Get that Lonely”, Blink-182′s “Adam’s Song”, Beck’s “Loser”, and others are songs that do “encourage” depression.  Plus in a maybe morbid kind of way, reminds me others are dealing with crap and are depressed too.  I don’t know.

Music is powerful.  I love it.  It has definitely gotten me through good and bad times.

 

Thoughts About God, Sin, and Christianity

This hasn’t been that good of summer because of class, financial problems, and other issues.  But over the last while I’ve thought about God and sin and church and spirituality.

Since I entered into an authentic relationship with God/Christ two weeks ago (7/24), things have been hopping.  First, I thought I became a believer several years ago, but through these struggles, I realized I was looking for a quick fix.  I still don’t understand God’s love and trying to wrap my head around other ideas, but it’s secure now.

On Sunday nights I’ve been going to 1st Baptist Houston because of the single’s ministry there.  This is where I made the decision.  But on Wed. nights I’ve been going to Triumph Church – a spirit-filled church.  This has given me a fresh look at Christianity and has been refreshing.

I understand the fact that we as believers are in a war.  The Bible says so and Ephesians discusses the armor of God.  But we as Baptists and other conservative churches preach/teach this war theme too much – in my opinion.  Do we stop this theme all together?  OF COURSE NOT!  Believers get tired and can be discouraged if we always think of our spiritual journey as a war.  Even in battle; there are moments of serenity, community, rest, recuperation, love, etc.

I also sometimes think that we preach on sin too much.  Yes, sin is very real.  It disconnects us from God.  It entraps us, puts us in bondage, and makes our lives miserable.  Sin will even send you to hell if left unrepentant b/c you never become a Christ-follower.  Do we leave sin out?  NO!  What I mean is that we should focus on our relationship with God, how to worship, teach community with God, and other similar ideas.  I think if we focus on connecting to God and having community with Him; we’ll sin less and even not want to sin sometimes.  From my own life, I think that if we focus on our sin too much (especially particular sins), we can sin more.

Being in a spirit-filled church has also taught me alot about worship.  We as Baptists, and other conservative denominations, don’t really know how to worship freely.  I’m not saying everyone but generally.  Sure, some people in a spirit-filled church just worship for show.  But there is no worry about lifting of hands, clapping, and such.  Even kneeling is often observed.  Even laying prostrate before God is an awesome experience.  They also use the offering collection as worship – not just a component of the service.  Also in singing; sometimes they don’t sing actual choruses but just sing Jesus or simple phrases, and they sing/worship but not with words.

I’ve also become aware that some of the revival-ish type movements are coming from spirit-filled churches.  This isn’t from them directly but from someone else looking in.

Baptism in the Holy Spirit is something else I’ve learned from them.  I was baptized in the Holy Spirit one Wed. night.  Did I start speaking in tongues?  No, unfortunately.  Did I fall down?  Nope.  Felt my legs get a little weak though.  It’s such an intimate time.  Honestly, I didn’t feel much of anything except the love of caring people and the awareness that God was in this moment (present).  I’m still reading about it.  I want to learn more and I want to learn how to access it regularly.  No, I don’t believe some get more Spirit than others because God gives everyone the same Spirit who can’t be divided into amounts.  I just think there’s a difference between having the Spirit in you versus having the Spirit among you.  I wish I could speak in tongues though – of course in the proper biblical conditions.

My view of God is also changing.  I’m beginning to see He’s a God of love and community.  I’m understanding that He doesn’t want us to suffer and isn’t there to kick us when we’re down or to make our lives miserable.  I want to be able to hear Him in ways other than pain.  That is tiring and it hurts.

I don’t have anything against Baptists or other conservative denominations.  I’m not blaming them or attacking them.  I don’t know enough of the spirit-filled church to even think about joining one.  Maybe one day though.  I also don’t want to come across as a holier-than-thou person or that I became this weird person, as a fanatic, or a spiritual snob.  I’m just beginning my spiritual journey.  These are just thoughts.

A Witty Servant

This is Day 12 of the 30-Day Blogging Challenge – Something People Don’t Compliment You On

This is a 30-day blogging challenge where everyday has a pre-determined topic.  Some are positive, some are negative, but all are very introspective.

Well, it’s been a while.  Not by choice (well maybe a little).  But alas!

Something people don’t compliment me on.  I’m kind of a witty person – maybe dry humor.  I don’t get alot of compliments on that.  Not that I expect them.  Some of the jokes or whatever are so corny they don’t deserve a compliment.  Lol!

I think there are some things that are good NOT to be complimented on.  I have a servant’s heart and don’t like to stand in the spotlight.  I like to do things behind the scenes.  Usually I’m not complimented on this.  BUT it’s okay.  I’m doing my job: not trying to be scene.  I don’t serve because I want praise.  I serve because of my relationship with Christ.

Starting My Relationship w/ God and the Enemy Shows Up

This blog isn’t part of the 30-day challenge.  It’s about life going good at one moment and then someone kicking you down in the next.

I was raised in the church.  I was involved in ministry as a student and as a college student.  I read the Bible some.  I’ve had my struggles and my points at rock bottom.  The whole time I believed I had a relationship with Christ.  I knew faith in Him was required.

Lately I’ve experienced some pain.  A lot of pain.  I know the life of a believer isn’t supposed to be easy.  But I’ve never been freed from anything.  I’ve always struggled and battled.  I’ve experienced and am experiencing depression/suicidal thoughts/ways to relieve pain, certain temptations, certain “guy” struggles, self-hatred, and other things.  Things I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of fighting.  I’ve been fighting for years.  It’s like someone treading water and just about to fade and fall below the surface.

My view of God is wrong.  Completely wrong.  I’ve never understood or been able to accept His love.  I’ve never understood the community between a believer and God.  I’ve thought God is out to get me.  To “burn” me.  To kick me when I’m down.  I’ve placed negative characteristics, attributes, attitudes of others on God and thought Him to be like that.  Among other things.

I’ve realized I’ve never begun an authentic relationship with God.  I thought I had because I was at the end of my rope, in trouble, emotional.  But I just wanted a way out and wanted a fix.  So I began an authentic relationship, I believe for the first time, with God last night during the evening service at First Baptist.  Did I feel magical?  No.  Was I emotional?  No.  Did I feel weight off my shoulders?  Not really.  I honestly didn’t know what to feel.

The enemy definitely attacks as soon as you make a decision like this.  First. there was one thing.  Then, I was supposed to be involved at camp 220 (John Sherrill) this week.  But a couple guys who live me and one I’ve known for 11 years came up to me in love and told me I should take a break this summer because of the issues I struggle with.  I should be concerned about the youth more than myself.  I hadn’t thought of my demons jumping on others.  I don’t want anyone to have to deal with what I deal with.  They stressed I was part of the 220 family but it’s awkward on how to deal with my struggles.  I want nothing more than to be part of the 220 family and be loved and not be awkward.  I want those guys (and girls) to be involved in my life.

 

 

A Good, Funny Teacher with Nice Hair

Thirty-Day Challenge

Day 11: Something People Seem to Compliment You the Most On

This is a thirty-day blogging challenge I found from a friend.  Every day, for thirty days, there’s a pre-determined topic to write about.  Some posts are positive.  Some are negative.  All are very introspective.

Just from my current/long-term mode of thinking and such, it’s hard to think of positive things/aspects in my life and certainly about me.

Physical – Well, I’m overweight and diabetic, so there’s not much in the physical sense.  However; some people tend to compliment me on my hair and how thick/wavy/nice it is.

I get that I’m a nice guy who’s witty and can be funny.

I’ve been told I always think about what I’m going to say before I say it.  So, they kind of say I know what I’m talking about.

I’ve had a few people tell me I’m a good teacher and can take material I look at just a little while before teaching and teach it well.  (Many times I think I’m boring but maybe I’m not.)

So yeah, that’s about all I can think about.  There could be more things, but then again, that could be it.

Don’t Replace Authentic Relationships with Ministry Connections

Thirty-Day Challenge

Day 9: Someone You Need to Let Go, or Wish You Didn’t Know

This is a thirty-day blogging challenge I found from a friend.  Every day, for thirty days, there’s a pre-determined topic to write about.  Some posts are positive.  Some are negative.  All are very introspective.

Sorry for the unintentional hiatus of blogging.  For some reason I forget to blog at home on the weekends.

I am in need of godly men in my life right now.  I need to “learn” how to befriend the opposite sex before I can seek a relationship.  I need to be more social and need more friends in my life.  So there’s a lack of people in my life now, therefore, I’m not sure there’s anyone I need to let go.  Someone I wish I didn’t know: that’s rather harsh and hard to come up with.

I think there’s probably a few people, although I hope not, that have befriended me because they feel sorry for me or because they’re hypocritical or some other ulterior motive.  So those people I need to work on recognizing and work on letting go (if there’s any left).

I have to be careful here, but I think I should let go some of the student ministry as a whole.  CAUTION!  Please read ALL!  I love students.  I love student ministry.  Some of my gifts are teaching and shepherding.  I love to see students grow, accept Christ, and “get” Christianity.  Crossroads’ students are the best!!  So why do I say I need to let students go?  I don’t really mean letting them go as in getting them out of my life.  Because it’s my gift and my calling and my desire, I try to pour everything into student ministry.  I’m even being mentored by a great guy who’s godly, a great communicator, and a great student minister.  But because of lack of connections with people my own age and my lack of close friendships, I pour myself out in student ministry even more.  I replace this lack of relationships with student ministry and relationships with students.  So, my involvement with student ministry is good. But, I don’t need to replace ministry relationships with authentic friendships.

Friends are Friends Forever – Whether Close or Far

Thirty-Day Challenge

Day 9: Someone You Didn’t Want to Let Go, but just kind of Drifted

This is a thirty-day blogging challenge I found from a friend.  Every day, for thirty days, there’s a pre-determined topic to write about.  Some posts are positive.  Some are negative.  All are very introspective.

I can think of a few people who I’ve drifted away from and miss them terribly and want to touch again.

The first person is really a group.  I’ve drifted away from Tyler Chapman, Carter Stubbs, Wilson Peppard, and Andrew Key.  I spent a better of three years with these guys.  Andrew and I didn’t really get to know each other well, but he let me crash at The Villagio for many nights.  Carter really made a difference in my life.  He was my cell group leader and was there in my darkest and brightest moments.  He encouraged me, held me accountable, supported me, and was just there for me.  We became great, close friends.  He got married but I let him drift.  How I want/need him in my life today.  Tyler is another one.  He supported, encouraged me, taught me things, held me accountable, and such.  We helped each other with diabetes.  He moved to San Antonio and we drifted a bit.  He’s another one I want/need in my life.  Even though Carter and Tyler are away, there’s really no reason we can’t do long-distance friendships.  Wilson is great too.  He challenged me and did some accountability and we just had fun together.  He was part of the crew letting me crash at The Villagio.  He was crazy but a great man of God.  He’s another life-long friend that I let drift away, and want him in my life.  Finally in that group is Brandon Nance.  We didn’t get all that deep with each other but we had fun doing Rock Band and Guitar Hero.  We talked some.  I think, I hope, we challenged each other.  He’s one I hope to get closer to and keep in my life.  He’s in Fort Worth or California now, but there’s no reason why we can’t come together again.

Another group I let drift away is from Chi Alpha.  Sam was there for me through thick and thin.  We had great conversations and drank alot of coffee together.  We prayed together and held each other accountable.  He got married and moved to San Antonio.  Eli Stewart still lives in Huntsville and we also had great coffee, challenging conversations, and such.  I definitely need/want him, and Sam, back in my life.  Tyler Shults, Duncan Chance, and Jake Lefler moved to Colorado and I let them drift.  Great men of God who I definitely miss.  A little further in distance, but I think long-distance friendships would work.  Danny Clark as well.  Great guy and even lives close to me.

Ronnie Hardin- He was/is my best friend from growing up in Oak Ridge.  I completely lost touch with him.  Way more than drifted.  I finally found him and want him back in my life.  He’s a great guy.  We had fun together.

SHSU BYX/Chi Beta – I let Josh Louie, Dean Garner, Bryan Swink, Jimmy Weekley, and those guys drift.  I drifted from my pledge class in Alpha Pi Kappa.  Those guys are other guys (brothers) I want back in my life.

 

A Living Hell – Diet and the World

Thirty-Day Challenge

Day 8: Someone who made your life Hell

This is a blogging challenge I got from a friend.  Every day for 30 days is a pre-determined topic.  Some are negative.  Some are positive.  All are introspective.

Someone who made my life Hell?  This is a hard one.  We can all see family and all teachers have made our lives Hell at some point or another.  But I think this is more than that.

Someone has just come to mind.  Those who know me know I’ve struggled with weight all my life.  I’ve done diets, fasts, programs, even surgery.  Well, one time I did a program through Texas Children’s Hospital.  We went through a notebook, met weekly maybe, and other stuff.  I was supposed to always record what I ate and when I exercised.  She was the devil!  It was always all about her and her accomplishments.  Nothing was ever good enough for her.  She belittled me just about each week.  She even criticized my parents.  If I lost less than a pound a week, she’d berate me.  She never outright said it, but each visit was like, “Why can’t you be like me?”  By the way, she’s uber skinny now.  (Why can’t people who are a little big be in charge of these programs – not model-skinny people?)  I can’t remember if we made it through the entire program or quit early.  She also had unrealistic goals.  Her name is Vernicia.

As a Christ-follower, I have the tendency to put God/Jesus in a box.  I see Jesus as a Santa Claus sometimes or a spiritual cop sometimes.  So, Jesus has also made my life Hell.  Before you freak out, I’m not talking about the true Jesus of the Bible and God’s son.  I’m talking about that Jesus who’s in the box, the Jesus I try to impress, the Jesus who I think is a cop, etc…  Basically, the worldly Jesus.

You see, if I treat Jesus/God as Santa Claus, I ask for things non-stop.  The authentic Jesus doesn’t give us everything we ask for, which is good.  But if the worldly Jesus doesn’t give us stuff, we (I) begin to get mad, ask why all the time, question Jesus, maybe even doubt if things get really bad.  The authentic Jesus knows what we need and whether or not the things we ask for will hurt us or help us.  Also, we eventually give up on worldly Jesus and try to fill those needs/wants with worldly, usually sinful things.  Then the whole process of being trapped in sin begins.

Life is also Hell if I treat Jesus/God as a spiritual cop.  I fear He’ll get mad at me and eventually He’ll give up on me or punish me or something.  I work hard at minding my P’s and Q’s.  I get stressed because I’m trying so hard not to sin.  Sometimes I don’t do anything because I’m afraid I’ll sin.  Sometimes I’ll stoop so low as to watch the Weather Channel, TBN, and other ridiculous channels so I don’t watch anything sinful.  Yes I have done something like that before.  I also get bored and tempted to fall asleep at the wheel b/c I’ll only listen to KSBJ.  Now sometimes, rarely, I don’t care about the spiritual cops and I’ll do whatever and just wait for the spiritual “ticket”.  But life is Hell because it seems like I always walk on eggshells (when I view it this way), and always stressing out whether or not I’m sinning.

Sometimes I think of Worldly Jesus as Works Jesus.  I forget Salvation is free and we have grace.  I volunteer more, go to Bible studies more, try to be at church every time the door is open, etc…  I switch to a “checklist” mode.  Sometimes I’ll literally feel bad if I don’t check everything off.  This tires you out and makes Christianity not a good thing.

So yeah, when I take authentic Jesus and make Him worldly, my life is Hell.  Now, authentic Jesus makes my life Hell in a good way so I’ll come out stronger in the end.

 

A Life Worth Living For

Thirty-Day Challenge

Day 7: Someone Who Made Your Life Worth Living For

This is a blogging challenge I found from a friend.  There are 30 days and each day has a predetermined topic.  Some are negative, some are positive, and all are introspective.

Excuse the break in writing.  I was having technical difficulties with the site and had to have people smarter than me fix the site.  Plus, for some reason it’s harder blogging from home than here at school.

Dealing with depression, it’s kinda hard to think of people in this way.  But I know there are a few people (and groups).

TAMU Brothers Under Christ – This group helped me stay on top of my spiritual game.  It was a group that helped me have fun while staying Christian.  It was a group who taught me about community and accountability.  It was a group that stretched me and made me uncomfortable at times.  It was also a group that taught me responsibility in leading media as well as leadership in being an officer (SHSU BYX).

Carter Stubbs/Tyler Chapman/Wilson Peppard – These guys were my lifeline.  They spoke encouragement in my life.  They help me accountable.  They helped me find resources to deal with struggles.  They spoke hard words when I needed them.  They let me crash at their place repeatedly (thanks guys).  They encouraged me to stay in the Word and made sure I was attending church.  Tyler helped me with diabetes.  All three gave me some love for college basketball.  They all taught me what it means to be godly men.  Even though I’m not there yet, they showed me how to treat women and what godly relationships look like.  It’s their fault I fell in love with Cane’s.  Carter introduced me to Pei Wei.  We all played Rock Band and Sing Star at all manner of times during the day.  They taught me the value/importance/the vitality/strength of a small band of guys involved with each other and all following Christ  and holding each other accountable and the ability to pull one guy up who fell spiritually.  (They all made me jealous by how good they looked.:))  Carter always made sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed.  He also led a great cell group and knew how to have fun and when to be serious and taught me the basics of how to lead a small group.  I was also able to see the frustrations that small group leaders can face.  Wilson introduced me to the group Nuttin But Stringz and introduced me to the site Monergism.  Wilson showed me how you can be crazy and having fun while driving and the importance of having a fun iPod playlist while driving.  I could go on and on about these guys.

Sam Isenhower/Eli Stewart/Chi Alpha – These guys taught me to worship, really worship.  They showed me how to just live life and have fun doing it.  They showed me the importance of just having conversations with people and how to get involved in their life in an easy, non-intrusive manner.  They showed me the importance of Scripture and knowing it.  They were good at encouragement and accountability.  They introduced me to the Assemblies of God culture and their passion for worship.  Sam’s small group further illustrated the importance of community, speaking truth into brothers’ lives, and how to live life without the TV.  They all introduced me to good coffee and got me hooked.  Thanks guys.

Adelphos Pledge Class of Alpha Pi Kappa – Need I say more?

John Sherrill and 220.

Jerry Phillips/Homer Allison/Chris Willingham/Ryan Gentles