Not Yet Arrived

Not gonna lie, this week was a difficult week. Call me weird or what, but I’m still working on how to deal with this emotionally.

Sunday was Ryan Gentles’ last sermon and Sunday on staff. He was an associate student minister at Crossroads Baptist Church. He had been there for 4 good years. He is great with students, an outstanding man, and great Christ-follower. He knows how to work with students – how to have fun but be serious when the time is needed. His wife Lindsey is great as well. She supported Ryan and immersed herself in ministry with the girls of the student ministry.

Ryan is going to Shreveport, Louisiana to be involved in a church over there. From what I hear, it’s similar to Crossroads but a tad smaller. However, the student ministry became unhealthy and shrunk.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m excited for Ryan and Lindsey! What God wants is better than what we want. Ryan is such an amazing student minister that it was only a matter of time before he was snatched up. You can’t expect someone of his caliber to be an associate forever. (If so, he would be short-changing the skill set and talent God gave him.) I guess deep down I always figured this day would come – always hoping later than sooner.

Our pastor is so amazing that he worked with Ryan through the entire process. He even called the church to see what kind of pastor Ryan would now be serving under. He gave Ryan questions to ask in the interviews. When Ryan announced to him that it was official, the pastor asked Ryan if he could try and talk him out of going. When Ryan said no, Pastor Larry said Ryan is where he should be. The students are taking it kinda hard, but that’s to be expected. I just hope some of them don’t leave because Ryan left. I’m certainly not trying to replace Ryan, but honestly I’d like to put my name in the hat for the new associate guy. But, I think I know who’s going to be offered the position. You could say he’s more deserving of it than I.

All that to get to the point. Dealing with depression, trying to become a better Christ-follower, and other things I deal with; any loss is hard. Ryan was pretty much the only guy my age I had to hang out with. We met once a week for breakfast or something. Rode to seminary together when our schedules allowed. Took a couple classes together. He was my boss in the student ministry (one of them). He helped me when I was a clutz and fell. He helped and stuff when I throw away my car keys at a youth event and made everyone late. ) I could tell him things and ask for accountability.

So obviously this was something the counselor and I talked about last week. In counselor language he told me this was huge for me. I agree. His message was great – able to make it all the way through without emotionally bursting. The reception was good. Of course I teared up Sunday morning, but I was in the media booth assisting a student with visual media so I could cover it up well. But I couldn’t go up to him at the reception b/c those are hard things I can’t do in public. Gotta make sure I write up that note of encouragement for him – didn’t want to do just a quicky on Sunday.

Well, the Lord gives and He takes away. So we’ll see who He brings now (to the student ministry and in my life).

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This year I decided to take a gamble and substitute teach. I figured it would be ok money, steady, good for developing ministry skills as well as social skills with kids and teens.

After waiting a week, today was my first assignment. I was at Powell in The Woodlands. I taught special Ed/resource. It was good.

I monitored hall ways from 7:50 to 8. Had planning from 8:10 to 9:10. Worked with a student in math until 10:10. Then I went to another class to help two boys but that class had a sub too and they were already done with their work. So I just sat in the back while the sub read. From 11:20 to 12:20 was language arts with the original boy followed by an hour lunch. We did more language arts until 3 when I helped with dismissal.

I had fun working one-on-one with a student. I tried to love on him and talk to Jim even though he was hard to understand. The assistant said she had been working with him since kindergarten and still found it hard to understand him. It was fun to go back to simple skills like addition and subtraction, cutting and pasting, spelling, etc…

The only bad part of the day was when I ate a cookie and Chick-Fil-A sandwich. This screwed up my 2 day fast. Guess I gotta pick it back up tonight and tomorrow.

Poor Conroe ISD teachers, at least at Powell, look like they are stuck wi slow computers that are outdated. And PC’s at that!

I think, hope, I will like subbing.

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Well, another year has started for seminary. This is the start of my third year. I have a few more to go. I’m working on my Master of Divinity (92 hours) and the MACE degree (Master of Arts in Christian Education). My concentration is student ministry. Doing both degrees has some overlap to where there’s only 27 extra hours. I can only take 9-10 hours a semester because grad work is so much more intense than undergrad work.
This semester I only have to go on Tuesdays. But, I go from 8 am to 6 :40 pm. Not too bad I guess. Could be worse. Get to earn a little money by running sound and power point for Tuesday chapels.

My first 8 am class is Educational Psychology. This is the psych behind teaching. It uses theories and research from other, older, dead experts and applies a Christian stint to it. Only 1 textbook. Yay! There’s a grad paper at the end, but it’s not too bad. It’s also a Dr. Wood class so that means buffet and interesting interactions. A class I can actually stay awake in at 8 am. We also have to 3 summaries of some article in the realm of Educational Psychology and follow it up with a joke. This class also has a mid-term and final – which Dr. Wood gives you the answers to the test and everything you can expect for the review.

After chapel and lunch I have my other Dr. Wood class: Ministry to Families with Teenagers. At the end is the infamous grad paper. But, we have to do a group project of either writing family devotionals, parent newsletters, or plan a conference for parents. Then we have to carry them out and video tape at least 2 sets of parents’ reactions to them and their suggestions. We have to also devise, individually, a family game or activity and then write a summary. We also have to do 2 summaries on articles or book chapters related to the class. Each has to be followed up by a joke. There’s 3 textbooks to read.

The final class of the day is Elementary Hebrew 1. Hebrew looks like one of those butt-kicking classes and languages. Hebrew is read right to left instead of left to right. Consonants are the only letters on the page and vowels are symbols underneath the letters. I’m going to have to spend DAILY time in Hebrew. I’m not one where languages come easy. Luckily there are weekly homeworks and quizzes to make sure you study. I think there are 3 tests. The prof is a SHSU grad in photography. He’s been involved and teaching Hebrew for 12 years. Biblical Greek is a dead language. You learn it to read, not necessarily read or write. People still speak modern Hebrew. There are some similarities and differences between biblical Hebrew and modern Hebrew.

Nine hours should keep me busy!! Hope I can learn Hebrew. Can’t space the Hebrew classes out.

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Well, I took a leap of faith and found another counselor on Saturday.  This one accepts insurance right then and there.  He’s in the office with the psychiatrist.  He’s from Chicago and also specializes in sleep studies as well as psychology.  I’m not sure if he’s a Christ-follower or not.  He says the Bible is the most beautifully written book on earth and is written by God.  He also said part of his counselor training included training by 2 theologians.  He didn’t elaborate on that much.  He said he has his own beliefs/attitudes/stuff about God.  He said he definitely looks up and esteems people who go to seminary to learn more about God.  I guess the jury is out on that one.  He’s at least spiritual.

One of the first things he said was pretty interesting.  I told him I deal with thoughts of suicide and cutting as part of my depression.  Of course he made me promise I wouldn’t attempt anything – understandable.  But he said he doesn’t work with patients who are really suicidal and might or have tried to act on it before.  He said suicidal patients require too much emotional work and he refers them.  He said he had a patient commit suicide very early in his practice and never wants to experience that again.  Guess I can’t blame him but it was interesting hearing that from a counselor.  I’m not a dummy and know counseling definitely expends emotional energy, but I guess suicidal patients would exhaust the emotional tanks.

He said he was definitely glad I came in and looks forward to meeting me and counseling me.  He asked me how I felt about coming in.  I told him about my 2 other attempts at counseling and how they went bad – especially with that one “Christian” counselor.  I told him it was like a leap of faith for me and that I felt a little apprehensive. He totally understood and thought “a leap of faith” was an appropriate phrase.  He said he would have freaked out and not wanted to treat me if I would have said I felt totally comfortable with him and had no apprehension.  (To me, that person would have to be high on something or a total nut job.)  I opened up some but it’ll take a while to totally open up.  Most of the time I have a hard time trusting people or think they won’t understand me if I shared stuff with them.  But he’s real laid back.

We talked about self worth for a little bit.  He said that’s one of the toughest things to work on.  He said everybody is subjective and doesn’t understand self worth.  It makes sense now and I never really thought about it, but he said people dealing with depression are usually over critical of themselves and over negative.  I see that now.  He said it’s nearly impossible to work on self-worth by yourself.  It takes someone to help you and someone who’s like a third party.

He’s already challenged my view of God and caused me to ask some questions.  This might be a little confusing but I don’t want to reveal too much info here.  But in a nutshell it’s about love.  God is a God of love and he asked a question of isn’t all love from God.

He put my curiosity/possibility of being bipolar to rest.  I told him about the few spells I’ve had of mild mania.  After I told him I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and started using a CPAP machine, he asked me if I had any episodes of mania since I started using the machine a little over a year ago.  I said no.  He said if I was truly bipolar than I would have almost certainly experienced mania once my system reset and was “fixed’ by using the machine.  So, he said I more than likely don’t have bipolar.  Honestly, and this will sound crazy, but I was a little disappointed when he said that.  Some aspects of the mania were bad, okay maybe most.  But I did enjoy the energy, the need of little to no sleep, the fact I cleaned a lot, and a couple other things.  Oh well.

That was the first appointment in a nutshell.  Until next Saturday.

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It has been a long time. This my official return to the land of blogging. Sorry for the hiatus – if any of you read this and wanted to keep up with me. Alot has been going on in my life.

Started Quick Weight Loss Center of Houston a couple weeks ago. Will write on this in the near future. Basically it’s 1400 calories a day. I can lose 4-7 pounds a week. I’ve lost 6-6.5 pounds since I started 2 weeks ago. There’s tons of supplements to take – mostly herbal. Supposedly it will only take 42 weeks to go from 291 to 140 pounds. Yay!! Now trying to work on exercise.

This summer I had 2 neck surgeries. I felll over a curb back in April. I went with Crossroads Student Ministry Sunday School teachers to SWBTS in Fort Worth for YouthLab Training. Symptoms of numbness, nausea, headache wouldn’t go away. Went to neurologist and I have DISH syndrome. Had to have surgery b/c one of bone spurs was touching spinal cord. Couldn’t drive for 2 months. Just now plugging back into the real world. It’s been a crappy summer.

A few years ago I had a wreck and I got a $70,000 insurance settlement. Well, it’s spread out over my life and I just now got the first $6000 on my birthday (July 14th). I’ve been spending money like crazy – which isn’t a great thing. Bought a new iMac 27-inch desktop and a new MacBook Pro. For my birthday my parents gave me half the money for an iPad and just purchased that today. I’m “appled up”. For a Christ-follower, I’m too gadget centered. I should save so I can get out of my parents’ house before I die.

This year I will start substitute teaching. Never done it before. Should be interesting. It’s $70 a day since I don’t have a teaching certificate. Hopefully it’ll be much better than fast food. It’ll help me see if I want to do teaching as a career. I’m also thinking it will help me in teaching Sunday school and in learning how to better minister to students. We’ll see how it goes.

Well, pain medicine/muscle relaxer kicking in – as well as no sleep at last night’s lock-in. So that’s enough for now. Until next time. But I’m back. Back again.

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Here at Southwestern Assemblies of God University for Camp 220. Got here on Sunday. Today was the first official day. It goes until Friday. Great first night.

How many times do we put God in a box? It’s like we have a level of unbelief in us that God can’t do certain things. It’s like the man in Mark 9 when the demon-possessed boy is healed. But what level is our unbelief? What would happen if we 100% believed in God and trusted Him? How much more could we accomplish and overcome! God really broke me tonight.

This is short but time for bed. Will post later.

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I now posted my twitter feed on my blog.

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Man, has it been a while since I’ve been on here.  I guess alot has happened since I wrote last.  I graduated Sam Houston State University with a BA in Journalism and Radio/TV with a minor in management.  I moved from Huntsville to Conroe to live with my parents.

I enrolled in seminary at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, at the Houston branch.  I would love to go to the main campus in Fort Worth, but I have to find a job that pays enough.  I just finished my second semester.  I took Old Testament 1 and 2, New Testament 2, Elementary Greek 1 and 2, and Biblical Hermeneutics.  In a couple of weeks I will do a one week course in Student Life Development and Issues (or something like that).  The first semester I got all A’s and B’s.  But I’m not sure of this semester because of New Testament 2.  But that’s a different story for a different blog.  Seminary is a lot tougher than what I thought.  Much more reading.  Much more than my undergraduate degree.  I actually have to use the library.

I’m working at Taco Bell in Conroe.  I was working at the Cinemark Movie Theater in The Woodlands but dad got me on at Taco Bell since he is a manager.  But, I had to move from his store to a different one since I’m related to him and he could give me special treatment.  Believe it or not, I would rather work for my dad.  It honestly wasn’t that bad.  But I have to find something different.  I need more than $7 an hour.  I need something more challenging and something where I can use all of this education I’ve accumulated.  I want a ministry job but part of doesn’t feel like I am ready.  I’m not sure.  Maybe I need to just go for it.  Even though I’ve been working at Taco Bell for a few months, I’m still not tired of their food.

Health wise, things are a little better.  I’m working out with a personal trainer at the YMCA, along with my mom.  Last time I was at the diabetes doctor, my hA1C had risen some.  It’s been hard to get diabetes where I need it.  I’m still trying to lose those unwanted pounds.  I might go to the Quick Weightloss Center, as advertised on TV.  But I heard it was expensive.  Working out is so difficult to do.  You feel good after you start and when you are done, but it’s so hard to start.

Well, that’s a quick update on how I’m doing and what I’ve been doing.  Blogging/writing really helps me, so I’m going to be better at posting.

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I didn’t realize it had been so long since I had written anything. I don’t know if anyone reads this, but I ought to do it for me. I’m going through that spritiual disciplines book for class and read the chapter on journaling. Hopefully I can become more consistent.

I’ve just been going to school, working what few hours they give me at the theater, and living at home. Some apathy has set in because of feeling no mood with the whole bipolar thing.

With living at home and graduating, there’s been quie a few adjustments I’ve had to make.

One adjustment is not having anyone to hang out with, do accountability with, or just do brotherly community with. Like BYX. Sure, I go to church and a single’s Bible study, but I just haven’t found a group of friends, guys, to do life with. Maybe I ought to start going out to different kinds of places other than Christian things to find friends (like other than BIble studies and church). I definitely miss all the BYX guys, Carter and Tyler, Eli/Sam/the other Tyler/Chi Alpha people. Kind of sucks. So I’ve had to adjust to loneliness. Maybe God is trying to show me something. I don’t know.

The second adjustment is living with everybody here in the family. This includes parents, sister, and two nephews. Sometimes there’s just no privacy. Plus, since everyone has to wake up early for work, I can’t watch TV or stay up as late, except for being in my room. Then there’s having to sacrifice my vote to do things like going out to eat and doing stuff to make everyone else happy. Craziness and temper tantrums are at their all-time high to have to listen to. It’s also different to tell people where you are going and what you’re doing and when you’ll be home. General neatness of the house is something else that’s been different – more of it than what I’d like.

One adjustment about living at home that’s been great and a pleasant surprise is food. The pantry is always full, even of stuff I should stay away from. There’s home-cooked meals so I don’t have to eat out or have to use my very limited, almost no, cooking skills. I don’t have to live on TV dinners. I don’t have to always scope out where to get free meals as much.

Not having a busy schedule is something else I’ve had to adjust to. I’m used to having things to do most nights of the week. I study mostly during the day and then my current movie job only lets me work one day a week. (I got to start looking for a new job). I have too much free time sometimes. I hate it too because I go to bed earlier because I get bored and don’t have alot to do. I like staying up late. I don’t like to go nonstop, but I do like having things to do. so this has been a rather large adjustment.

Going to church hasn’t been that big of adjustment. My parents “ggently urge” me every Sunday to go. Plus, going to seminary, I have to go to church for part of Spirtual Formation class. I go to Crossroads in The Woodlands. I still prefer the emerging church, but Crossroads is a good church. But, it still is a traditional, American church – which I’m not particulary a fan but know i need to go. It’s not like a traditional Baptist church.

These are the major adjustments I’ve had to make living at home. There are plusses and minuses about it. Maybe God has a reason for me to be here right now. Maybe to get healthy or something. It’s not too bad, could be worse. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out and run down the street naked.

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Boy it’s been a while since I’ve blogged on here. There’s not really a reason, other than my sister finding the blog, besides laziness. I need to write more.

Last week I was at John Sherril’s Camp 220. I always heard of this camp and how exciting it was but never had been there. I finally had the chance to go as a crew member. All in all, it was a pretty good, tiring week.

The camp was held at Southwestern Assemblies of God Unversity in Waxachie, Texas. So the drive wasn’t too bad at all. At least I didn’t have to drive to Wichita Falls in two weeks. The campus was small, smaller than HBU, with several new buildings. The dorms were pretty nice, nice for college dorms. The cafeteria food was your typical Aramark food, in camp mode – so not too good at all.

Crew was pretty good. It was busy – 1 am bed times (maybe a little earlier) and 7:15 wake ups. My schedule was kind of easy, compared to others. Working the snack wagon was fun. The breeze and the fan made it not that hot. I was thankful that crew wasn’t charged for drinks or snacks. This saved me alot of money. Working the resource table was fun. Got to meet Matt S. and learn what I Am Change is about and that buying a $20 t-shirt can give 20 people clean water for a year. Pretty remarkable if you ask me. The rec field was pretty crazy. Rec Rally was a time to pump them up and stuff. Being on crew kept you on your toes and pretty busy throughout the day.

I got to see and meet new people such as Critter and Parker and Nick (who did late night Whataburger runs for yummy taquitos). I got to see people I hadn’t seen in a while like Traci Samford and Carl Jones. I got to know others better. I got to see John and Kelly in another light other than home group and the occasional worship concert event. I got to room with Parker for a night but my snoring was too much for him so he changed rooms, evidently he hadn’t been getting enough sleep and, although he said I wasn’t too bad, I guess I kept him up. It was good getting to know Taylor and Amy better. I really like those guys and miss them from home group.

The theme of the week was Restoration. About tapping into God’s restoring freedom, that we are already resotred, and there’s a life full of freedom in Christ waiting for us. I thought the theme was really good. Matt did a great job with the messages at night and they were pretty powerful, although I honestly had a hard time staying awake through the end of them all because I was tired. The Bible studies I heard during the day were good too. Being restored is definitely something we as Christ Followers should all tap into.

I definitely didn’t get too emotional at camp during the prayer times. There were a couple times I thought I would. The message was what I needed to hear, but it was hard for me. My life seems like a life of struggles: relational struggles, typical/non-typical male struggles, diabetes, being over weight, bipolar, money, etc… There always seems to be something. It seems as though I can never be free. I can safely say I”ve never experienced 100% of the freedom of Christ that Christ followers are supposed to experience. Around every corner is something new. I don’t know if God has great plans for me in the future or what or if He just loves testing me. Around the corner is something lurking, or though it seems.

John, Matt, the Bible study teachers all talked about having a free life. About God already restoring us and not condemning us. A life of joy and happiness. I think my faith is a little weak because of all the struggles. I want freedom. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy life and be happy and content. But I don’t know how to tap into this restoration that we supposedly already have as Christ followers. It seems too good to be true. It seems impossible with my life. I have no idea of what this would look like. It’s like I just need to pull up my bootstraps and pray and go through life and hope relief comes. This is what I’e always known. I just don’t know how to tap into this restoration/freeing power that we talked about at 220 last week. It’s feels like I’m just meant to not live a free life. Maybe I just need to be hit upside the head.

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